Sometimes
by Kaluki
Summary: Sometimes Harry takes time out to think. Several years time out. Songfic, features dark!Harry.


**Sometimes**

_Where once was light_

Sometimes Harry remembers his parents – remembers a smile, remembers feeling happy.

Sometimes he looks at the photos he has, and convinces himself that the photos are real, that they're still alive because he can see them smiling and laughing, and how could he if they were dead?

_Now darkness falls_

Sometimes Harry thinks he's very good at lying to himself.

Other times he can't believe the lies he tells, no matter how much he wants to.

Sometimes he wants to destroy the photos for making him hope, only to find it crushed again.

_Where once was love_

Sometimes Harry remembers real hope, not the deluded fantasizing that's all he has now.

Sometimes he thinks he knows how it felt to be wanted, sometimes he thinks he had a home, a real home.

_Love is no more_

Sometimes he laughs at himself for ever thinking he was really wanted, wanted for being Harry.

Just Harry.

No, he knows he was wanted for being James' son, for being a 'hero'.

Wanted out of pity, like a lost puppy that can't fend for itself.

_Don't say goodbye_

Sometimes he wants them to want him, for any reason, as long as they want him.

Sometimes he thinks that any home, any feeling is better than nothing.

Sometimes he wishes he could just turn to them and cry, and have them comfort him.

_Don't say I didn't try_

Sometimes he thinks he's better off knowing he's unwanted than pretending he is.

Sometimes he feels they wouldn't comfort him; they'd just tiptoe around him, afraid because he's so unstable.

Because for everything he tries to do, for all he hopes, it never works out.

_These tears we cry_

Sometimes Harry cries to himself, curled up and hidden from the world.

Sometimes he hides because he doesn't want them to see him so sad, because he doesn't want them to worry about him.

Because he wants them to see him coping, being strong.

_Are falling rain_

Sometimes he does it out of fear, that they'll give him pity, give him a thousand meaningless words to try and make him believe they care.

Sometimes he thinks they do it because they need him as a tool.

_For all the lies you told us_

Sometimes he thinks the world tells him lies to comfort him, because it's the only comfort he'll ever get.

Sometimes he remembers the mirror of Erised, remembers feeling happy.

Sometimes he remembers feeling despair because they were only pictures in a mirror.

Sometimes he remembers the pain of losing his parents each time he left the mirror.

_The hurt, the blame!  
_

Sometimes Harry hates the world for what it did to, for what it made it him live with for so long.

Sometimes he wishes he'd died with his parents, so he'd never have known a world with grief.

Sometimes Harry hates his parents for dieing.

_And we will weep to be so alone_

Sometimes Harry can't help but love the world for allowing him to live.

Sometimes he hates himself for that weakness.

_We are lost_

Sometimes Harry thinks love and hate are too similar;

Sometimes he just feels for the world, some strange mixture of all the emotions he has ever felt.

_We can never go home_

Sometimes Harry feels nothing.

Sometimes the only way Harry can take the next step in time is to convince himself it won't hurt because he can't feel anything.

Sometimes Harry feels like he's falling into the emptiness and no one notices because he doesn't want them to.

_So in the end  
_

Sometimes Harry thinks it would be easier not to take the next step.

Sometimes it would be easier to lie down and give up, to tell the world that if it wants him to win, to save everyone, why won't it let him?

_I'll be what I will be_

Sometimes Harry thinks they made him different on purpose, whoever they were.

Sometimes he thinks that if he is different, then why do so many people try to understand him?

Sometimes he thinks no one cares what he wants or what he does, as long as in the end they get what they want.

_No loyal friend_

Sometimes Harry feels like shouting at them, telling them they don't care.

Sometimes Harry feels it would be pointless; they already know.

Sometimes Harry thinks he's the only who ever cares about him.

_Was ever there for me_

Sometimes Harry wonders why he should care about them if they don't care about him.

Sometimes Harry wonders why he cares about anything.

Sometimes Harry doesn't care; sometimes it's easier not to care. Not to notice.

_Now we say goodbye  
_

Sometimes Harry wishes he could just leave them.

Sometimes the side of dark seems safer than the side of light.

Sometimes he loves it when he knows for sure he's hated;

Sometimes he thinks hatred is the only way to care.

_We say you didn't try_

Sometimes Harry feels like making people see.

Sometimes he wants to stand in front of them and say 'Look! I've given all I have, I have nothing left.'

Sometimes he doubts they'd notice, just demand more.

Sometimes he wonders how he could try harder to do anything.

_These tears you cry_

Sometimes Harry thinks they want his tears.

Sometimes Harry wonders what they'd do if he turned on them.

Sometimes Harry wonders why they haven't already expected him to, and taken some precautions.

Sometimes Harry thinks they have.

_Have come too late_

Sometimes Harry thinks he's already turned on them, that this is the way he rebels against them.

Sometimes Harry wonders why he bothers, if this is the best rebellion he can do.

_Take back the lies_

Sometimes that's the only thing that makes Harry actually do something.

Sometimes the spells he puts most of himself into is the ones they don't want him to know.

Sometimes Harry laughs at them for trying to keep him 'safe'.

_The hurt, the blame!_

Sometimes Harry wonders what safe was, what safety he ever had.

Sometimes he thinks his life was written in pain.

Sometimes he longs for pain because it's the only thing he ever feels, the only thing that proves he's alive.

_And you will weep_

Sometimes Harry wants them to cry, wants them to feel the hurt he felt.

Sometimes he can see himself, holding the wand and saying to them, 'Do you notice me now? Now do you care?'

Sometimes he treasures their tears as much as he hates his own.

_When you face the end alone_

Sometimes he feels guilt to see the people he once longed for, standing in a nervous army in front of him.

Sometimes he wants to tell them why he left them leaderless, without hope.

Sometimes he just wants to take away their despair, because he knows what it's like.

_You are lost_

Sometimes as he walks away from them he thinks he did the right thing.

Sometimes he burns their empty shell and leaves it burning.

Sometimes he thinks they're happy to leave the misery of the world behind.

_You can never go home_

Sometimes he wishes he could follow them.

Sometimes he wants to go with them to a happy life.

_You are lost _

Sometimes he wonders if he'd find happiness as hard to bear as love, as the despair he feels for someone he once loved.

Sometimes he doesn't care.

_You can never go home_

Only one time he made the choice. And for eternity afterwards, there were no more sometimes for Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived.

_- Fin -_


End file.
